Monday, May 24, 2010

2 more days of school

so right now im in pasalos class and they are ripping their book and making so much dam noise. i just dont wanna be in skyjas class cuz we aint doing shet and he aint even here. no ones l;ike coming the last two days of class but i have to cuz my father. ohh wellz whatever.

** hahaa mr pasaloas making his class sing the quadratic formula song.

anyways i havnt really updated this shet. but ya my boyfrind FRANK AARON DELACRUZ VALENCIA JR is out eatting with his friends cuz farrington has 1/2 day cuz its finals week. well see ya laters byee for now while i read my old post!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

what ever happened. remember this :(

if i were to turn back the hands of time to fix everything that ive done wrong, i would if i could. knowing that theres a lot of things that i shouldve done puts me down thinkin about the possibilities on what could be happenin right now if i made the right choice. dont you think?

its summer, about half a month left. lately, ive been talkin to someone again, someone i havent been talkin to in a long time since school ended in june. imma rewind back a little, not trying to bring up the past a lil bit.

it was sometime during may, everything was all good between me & her. then it was just that one day, we just stopped talking. the reason why i didnt talk to her again was because i was afraid. everytime we are together, something about her makes me want to be with her. but i remember that i cant be thinkin like that, cause i need to stay true to myself. because i was already talking to someone else, i couldnt be thinkin her too. so i decided to not talk to her because i was afraid to break peoples hearts. i hope i didnt do that to her. its been hard for me to avoid her because i already go to school with her. i would see her everyday. i would often cross paths with her, and i would pretend that she doesnt even exist. i hate doing that. i know shes there, right there in front of my eyes. i just didnt know what else to do, i figured to just not talk to her. so i kept to myself, trying hard not to go back, or look back. but i do. there are days that i wouldnt see her at all. so i started going back to eating lunch, going to class early. every time third period would end, i would see her walking up to her fourth. i thought about catching up to her, just to say hi. never built the courage to do say. like i said, i was afraid. i missed her. but i forced myself to go on livin without talkin to her. is that too much? school was the only way i got to see her. and finally, when school ended, i knew i wasnt going to talk to her, maybe not even see her in a long time.

last day of school, i saw her. she was in our math class in the morning, taking pictures. heard her singin, hahaa. i was on the other side of class, just playing game. day went on, thats that.

i told myself, just one time. one time, i would call her unexpectedly. one time that i would finally call her to tell her what i needed to tell her.

and i guess it just took me a long time to do so. ive been meaning to call her. of all the times i told myself not to, i never did. there were a few times i did call, on private, but she never answered, my luck.

i was busy, i was on the go.

everytime that i went online, to say truth, i would go check up on her. her myspace, her twitter, her tumblr, blogspot. i know, i dont want to sound like a stalker. i just wanted to see what she was up to. i knew what was goin on.

i really missed her, i never forgot about her.

almost a month went by, july 4, 2009. that night i went to marks house. chan was on myspace. i think she went on her myspace. i was right next to her. chan was reading her profile. she went on her twitter. and on her tumblr. all that she put, chan saw. she said, “look casey, she misses you. you should call her. like, right now.” she went on her blogspot. i remember the post was june 19, she wrote about her life, family, situation. i read it already. every blog, even the ones on her myspace. i knew who she was talking about, in her posts, she would talk about a friend. someone she lost, someone she misses, someone she cared about. i got the message, that someone, was me.

sooner or later, i knew that i was gonna call her once and for all. when i did, it was already late. i called more than once. three times i presume. i left her a voicemail, which i rarely ever do.

we started talking again, catching up with our lives. i was happy to hear her voice again. i missed her, and im finally talking to her again.

i like to look back, remember, and reminisce. i remembered all the times that i didnt talk to her because she would irritate the **** out of me, i would ignore her, wouldnt give her any answers. but above all that, what i remembered most was the times when we were with each other. she would be right by side, close to me. we would play our little games, our jokes, her laughs, how i made her smile. she knew how to cheer me up, she made me feel, happy. wherever i went, she would follow me, whatever i said, she would listen to me. its nice to have someone like that do that with you, for you.

we would be on the phone late at night, just talking. sometimes i would go outside, just talk to to her. i would look up at the sky and and try to look for the stars. but everytime, i would only see one, the one right next to the moon. it reminded me of her for some reason. she would be the star, and im the moon. then it would be silent, awkward moments when were not talking. hahaa, she cant stand it being so quiet.

weve known each other for so long already, i can say its been a year. a little more than that. i never forgot about her. i dont think i can. she is too much of a good person to take out of your life. shes caring, sweet, funny, smart, pretty, cute, thoughtful, generous, caring, understanding, the best. i dont think i ever told her this, but as soon as she reads this, she will know. im not lying, its the truth, i mean it, hope she believes me.

shes crazy, naww, shes more than crazy, shes psycho. im surprised that she remembers a lot of things in specific detail. shes like one memory bank. ask her about this one day, she can tell you what happened, what time it was, who was there, yeah, she knows. dont worry about me, ill be fine. but i know that she still does cause she told me that she cares bout me.

i want her to know what she means to me, this girl. this girl, shes special to me. she never left my mind. i think about her, shes a real friend. best friend. i can call her that. i bet she dont even know this, but imma let her know now. i care for her too, and i dont want to lose you. youll be on my mind, i got you girl.

i never said her name throughout this essay.

this is for you,
baby ethel sarian clemente.

Friday, June 19, 2009

i guess,

only gonna up date when i have something i really wanna right or whatevz.

while in my room having one of those emo days i guess. lets just say songs get to meee :( okayy i know if you read all my bloggs and what not they are all emo and shett but fuckkk what do you want me to do. i cant talk to my parents about shet like this like everyone else. and ya i know i have HKB and MOMI but i just dont know. i feel sooo helpless that its sooo sad. like i feel bad for my fucking self. ughhh! like today my parents got in to an arrguement and my dad yells at me and my mom about being dirty and that im not helping out. like wtf i did your laundry yesterday and then and i cleanned the house. then he tells me that i shouldve helped my mom out this morning, but hellller i was getting readyyy. and on top of that he was gettin mad at us for not being ready on time. like wtf i just got up and i never even eat breakfast yet. and then he yells out "dont talk back to me... maybe you should wake up earlier and help out" --- like WTF i help out enough and you stilllllll want me to do MORE.. are you keeding mee? no one my age does the fucking laundry for the whole family or washes errrbodies dishs. aor cleeaaans the whole house. and on top of that i never go out. people my age stay out till like fucking 2 or 3 in the morning. i have to fucking lie to go out and i dont even doo badd things. like if you really knew about other people IM THE BESTTT CHILD that anyparent would love, but no apparenttlyy im the fucking worst. like bitchhhhass wtf do you want from me. and you tell me i got it "good".. ya fuckin right. wtf ever. and like you always tell mommy that me and her dont have communication and thats why you always get mad. thats a bunch of BS because your the one with no communication what so eer. like you dont even talk to your other daughter and she still leaves in the same house as you do. how do you not talk to her. you dont even know her birthday. and on top of that you always tell mom to go talk to her to get money or to help around the house. i dont uderstand why you cant do that yourself. and you give me these lecture everyday of my life about how you want mek to finnish school and then you go on about how you dont want me to be like karen and you tell me to tell her help. and i tell you to tell her yourself and you start yelling at me of why i cant do it. wtf. you have no communication yourself sooo dont ever tell me that i cant communicate bcuz even if karen pisses me off to the point where me and her are gonna punch eachother we STILL TALK. our family is sooo dam corruptted. you dont even talk to your own brothers and sister. and you think that doenst affect me... it fucking does. i feel like i dont even have cousins becuase of you. i dont have any close family. like i cant go to anyone in our family and tell them EVERYTHING. ughhhhhh! then you tell me that i cant talk to aunty jessica. to me shes that only one i act really to tat is somewhat family. and she aint family. shes yout bestfriend girlfriend. and you cant even trust me with her. you have some fucking issuse and fuck i think to myself WHY AM I NOT CRAZY YET????? GUHHH WHATEVER. and i dont even know where to start with boys. like wtf you like me be bi or lez or something. like forreall you should know already. your a guy helller. fuckk. and you dont need to bring up my mistakes over and over again everytime you get mad at me. it already kills me enough that im not with the guy already but NO i guess thats not enough for you. you have to remind me everyfuckingday of my life and scwold me for it. im done with his ass but nooo you still have to fckin remind me errday. its soo sad that i have thoughts of becoming a foster child and thinking that imaaa have a better life then i do now.

and to my SO CALLED BFF! yaaa suree best friend FOREVER! i dont een think sooo i dont even think that we are even friends. i dont even remember when was the last time that we talked. and i dont even know if you really moved or not. and you only tell me that your going to move like 2 day before you really do. i dont even know what kind of friend does that to another friend. i say that we have been through sooooo much that its a little TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, but at least be my friend. i cant even call you to cruzzz anymore cuz ill think that youll take it the wrong way. and i know that you will. i cant just earase you outta my life like that. you were a really big part of my life before and i cant make like your just a no body. becuz your not. you were always there for me before but idk anymore. i miss you but not in the way that you think. your the one who even told me once before that you just need me to be by you. i feeeel the same way. and i know that you dont wanna talk to me like that anymore and yaaa i understand but you not talkin to me at all. and i know that you think that you cant talk to me anymore bcuz you think that ima start liking you once again but you need to trust and at least say hiiii on myspace or aim or something. you make like im not even alive anymore. when i die is that when your gonna care about mee. is that the only time. well then i really dont think that your my frind at all. and if you think that i hate your gf bcuz of you, you got me all wrong. i never had a problem with her bcuz of you. the only thing that i have a problem dealling with her is bcuz she ponited at one of my girls and she shouldnt have. thats just rude and if anything she should only be having a problem with me and not anyone of my girls unless she has something agains them. well i gotta stop typing alreay cuz i cant really see what im typing anyomre due to tears and i dont even know if a make sence anymoree. b y e !

Saturday, May 2, 2009

im NEVER good enough

what kind of people do you want me to be with. you act just like them. you say the same things and act exactly the same. wtf! you say that it is the environment and the surroundings. BS! and now i cant go even when your there.wth! i dont even wanna go there tonight or EVER! and you fucking tell them why i dont go there. dont fuckin tell the bull lies either. tell them the dammmm truth why i dont go anymore. you are the one making me look like the bad guy. wth, i always wanna go. it you lying and all your bs. no wonder i turned out so curpted. you so lie and ML to fit in. shettt be yourself. no you are not who they think you are. you tell them th DAMMMMMMM TRUTH i wanna see you say it in front of thir face. i bet you would soo lie. like wtf. so basically i shouldnt even be around you. you have a dammmm problem. i never disobey you expect for that ONE time that you will never forgive me for. and you know what screw it. i already know to myself that im a pretty good child and alot of adults would want me as their child. and you dont even appreicate me and everything i do. you never get anything. there for real is no sence in living in this house. you so ML to other people that you have the best family around and you talk shet about other familys. look at your own before you even open your mouth. whatever. i swear this family is so tottally crip. i get honor roll and everything and all you say is wow. and all i ask for is a little more freedom and you cant even give me that. wtf ever.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

less than 3

No God, no love.
Know God, know love.