if i were to turn back the hands of time to fix everything that ive done wrong, i would if i could. knowing that theres a lot of things that i shouldve done puts me down thinkin about the possibilities on what could be happenin right now if i made the right choice. dont you think?
its summer, about half a month left. lately, ive been talkin to someone again, someone i havent been talkin to in a long time since school ended in june. imma rewind back a little, not trying to bring up the past a lil bit.
it was sometime during may, everything was all good between me & her. then it was just that one day, we just stopped talking. the reason why i didnt talk to her again was because i was afraid. everytime we are together, something about her makes me want to be with her. but i remember that i cant be thinkin like that, cause i need to stay true to myself. because i was already talking to someone else, i couldnt be thinkin her too. so i decided to not talk to her because i was afraid to break peoples hearts. i hope i didnt do that to her. its been hard for me to avoid her because i already go to school with her. i would see her everyday. i would often cross paths with her, and i would pretend that she doesnt even exist. i hate doing that. i know shes there, right there in front of my eyes. i just didnt know what else to do, i figured to just not talk to her. so i kept to myself, trying hard not to go back, or look back. but i do. there are days that i wouldnt see her at all. so i started going back to eating lunch, going to class early. every time third period would end, i would see her walking up to her fourth. i thought about catching up to her, just to say hi. never built the courage to do say. like i said, i was afraid. i missed her. but i forced myself to go on livin without talkin to her. is that too much? school was the only way i got to see her. and finally, when school ended, i knew i wasnt going to talk to her, maybe not even see her in a long time.
last day of school, i saw her. she was in our math class in the morning, taking pictures. heard her singin, hahaa. i was on the other side of class, just playing game. day went on, thats that.
i told myself, just one time. one time, i would call her unexpectedly. one time that i would finally call her to tell her what i needed to tell her.
and i guess it just took me a long time to do so. ive been meaning to call her. of all the times i told myself not to, i never did. there were a few times i did call, on private, but she never answered, my luck.
i was busy, i was on the go.
everytime that i went online, to say truth, i would go check up on her. her myspace, her twitter, her tumblr, blogspot. i know, i dont want to sound like a stalker. i just wanted to see what she was up to. i knew what was goin on.
i really missed her, i never forgot about her.
almost a month went by, july 4, 2009. that night i went to marks house. chan was on myspace. i think she went on her myspace. i was right next to her. chan was reading her profile. she went on her twitter. and on her tumblr. all that she put, chan saw. she said, “look casey, she misses you. you should call her. like, right now.” she went on her blogspot. i remember the post was june 19, she wrote about her life, family, situation. i read it already. every blog, even the ones on her myspace. i knew who she was talking about, in her posts, she would talk about a friend. someone she lost, someone she misses, someone she cared about. i got the message, that someone, was me.
sooner or later, i knew that i was gonna call her once and for all. when i did, it was already late. i called more than once. three times i presume. i left her a voicemail, which i rarely ever do.
we started talking again, catching up with our lives. i was happy to hear her voice again. i missed her, and im finally talking to her again.
i like to look back, remember, and reminisce. i remembered all the times that i didnt talk to her because she would irritate the **** out of me, i would ignore her, wouldnt give her any answers. but above all that, what i remembered most was the times when we were with each other. she would be right by side, close to me. we would play our little games, our jokes, her laughs, how i made her smile. she knew how to cheer me up, she made me feel, happy. wherever i went, she would follow me, whatever i said, she would listen to me. its nice to have someone like that do that with you, for you.
we would be on the phone late at night, just talking. sometimes i would go outside, just talk to to her. i would look up at the sky and and try to look for the stars. but everytime, i would only see one, the one right next to the moon. it reminded me of her for some reason. she would be the star, and im the moon. then it would be silent, awkward moments when were not talking. hahaa, she cant stand it being so quiet.
weve known each other for so long already, i can say its been a year. a little more than that. i never forgot about her. i dont think i can. she is too much of a good person to take out of your life. shes caring, sweet, funny, smart, pretty, cute, thoughtful, generous, caring, understanding, the best. i dont think i ever told her this, but as soon as she reads this, she will know. im not lying, its the truth, i mean it, hope she believes me.
shes crazy, naww, shes more than crazy, shes psycho. im surprised that she remembers a lot of things in specific detail. shes like one memory bank. ask her about this one day, she can tell you what happened, what time it was, who was there, yeah, she knows. dont worry about me, ill be fine. but i know that she still does cause she told me that she cares bout me.
i want her to know what she means to me, this girl. this girl, shes special to me. she never left my mind. i think about her, shes a real friend. best friend. i can call her that. i bet she dont even know this, but imma let her know now. i care for her too, and i dont want to lose you. youll be on my mind, i got you girl.
i never said her name throughout this essay.
this is for you,
baby ethel sarian clemente.